by
15. June 2010 19:41
Today was one of those days, rapid cycling between hypo-mania and depression. I hate these days. Excitement followed by sorrow. Joy followed by pain. Running through the woods fearing what is chasing you, yet constantly running into what is in front.
I was warned today that it is a lie of the disease to believe that working 16 hours is okay. That I am running on manic energy. That never seems to end well. Then depression hits fearing that I am perpetuating the cycle again.
I long to live a balanced day. Just one. Where the pendulum neither swings one way or the other, it just sits still. I wonder if I could even recognize it. Could I realize that it was a balanced day? Or would I just be thinking this center position is just a point on an arch.
I am weary of chasing sleep. How I wish it could be my friend. Nearly 2:00am and I just feel numb. I know should sleep. What is it that I fear of going to sleep? Why do I avoid it? Is it because tomorrow could be like today? Perhaps.
My blog is a real look into my mind. I want people to really see what goes on. I want them to feel the challenges and trials.
I can’t explain how it feels. It is like my body just keeps going. My head feels slushy, but I just keep going. I finally took a magic pill. Maybe that will work.
I will call my doctor tomorrow. The depression is too heavy. It should not be like this.
