I am sitting in the face of a decision. Sleep is running from me. This is never good. Part of me wants to run. Just get in the car and go. Where? I have no idea.

My eyes are tired, but my body is not playing along.

When I built moodyminds I was not sure how open to be on the blog. This is the real me though. You need to see what this thing looks like on the inside.

I have done something I said I never would. I have turned against my meds. I am taking half of one that was prescribed. I missed it one day and woke up fresh and alive and non-fuzzy. It made me realize how sedated I was. Here lies the problem. I want to be alert and awake in the morning, but at this cost?

It is almost 3am and I am sitting here writing, struggling through the mixed state of depression and hypo-mania. It is like a tug of war in your brain. I know things I can do to fight this, but my biology fights with my thinking ability.

The mania does not want to sleep; it wants to do more and more. I lie in bed and struggle to keep something from moving. I am not full manic right now, but am I dancing on a line? Am I flirting with the excitement and power that comes from mania?

Feeling the hyper sexuality, impulsiveness, and the buzz in my brain can be intoxicating.

I explain to everyone that I coach; you will get sick again and again. This thing will not go away. The job is to manage it better than before. It’s almost 8 months since my last event. Can I stop this one? Is it really my choice?

My eyes cry for sleep, but my body and mind fight them at every turn. I don’t know whether to work, iron, watch tv, read, walk around or just lie in a bed staring at the ceiling tossing and turning.

A yawn!!! Maybe some reprieve. I will go try again. Wish me luck.

Today was one of those days, rapid cycling between hypo-mania and depression. I hate these days. Excitement followed by sorrow. Joy followed by pain. Running through the woods fearing what is chasing you, yet constantly running into what is in front.

I was warned today that it is a lie of the disease to believe that working 16 hours is okay. That I am running on manic energy. That never seems to end well. Then depression hits fearing that I am perpetuating the cycle again.

I long to live a balanced day. Just one. Where the pendulum neither swings one way or the other, it just sits still. I wonder if I could even recognize it. Could I realize that it was a balanced day? Or would I just be thinking this center position is just a point on an arch.

I am weary of chasing sleep. How I wish it could be my friend. Nearly 2:00am and I just feel numb. I know should sleep. What is it that I fear of going to sleep? Why do I avoid it? Is it because tomorrow could be like today? Perhaps.

My blog is a real look into my mind. I want people to really see what goes on. I want them to feel the challenges and trials.

I can’t explain how it feels. It is like my body just keeps going. My head feels slushy, but I just keep going. I finally took a magic pill. Maybe that will work.

I will call my doctor tomorrow. The depression is too heavy. It should not be like this.

I have talked to many people who believe that when they are hypo-manic they are more creative, can solve problems faster and are in an almost euphoric state. What do you guys think?

Here I am.  Lying in bed, nearly 1:00am and I am wide awake.  Not even the slightest bit sleepy.  While with my therapist today I told him how I was feeling and how most of the hypomania was great.  I am more creative.  I solve problems faster.  My body buzzes with energy.  All of this sounds great until it is 1:00 in the morning and you are still buzzing.

I am very thankful for the fact that I do not full manic episodes.  The difference is basically taking what I have and multiplying by ten. 

According to Web MD: http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/hypomania-mania-symptoms

Mania or hypomania can be defined by the following symptoms.

    * Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
    * Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
    * Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
    * Rapid talk, talkativeness
    * Distractibility
    * Racing thoughts
    * High sex drive
    * Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
    * Tendency to show poor judgment, such as deciding to quit a job
    * Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
    * Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

Is it not funny that this is one of the only illness' that a symptom is hapiness.  

Hypomania in someone elses words:

Hypomania: At first when I'm high, it's tremendous ... ideas are fast ... like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear... . All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there ... uninteresting people, things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria ... you can do anything ... but somewhere this changes.

The change this person speaks of can be either a full blown manic episode or severe depression.  Even I have been living the last three days in a hypomanic state and am reluctant to call the doctor, because it feels so good.  Almost euphoric. But I know there is always a fall, there is always an end to this state.

So I will be calling my P Doc (psychiatrist) to see what we should be doing with my meds. I do not know what to do about tonight.  A friend of mine recommended talk radio.  Unfortunately I did not plan ahead.  Isn't it crazy(and please know I use that term in a self inclusion manner) that my brain is getting some overload of a chemical that we all have and it is telling my body that six hours of sleep is enough for two days.

(My soap box) I am on a mission to get people to realize that this is just another medical condition.  People are afraid to talk about it, they are embarrassed that they have it.  Folks we have to stop looking at the symptoms and start looking at the people.  I think we should be proud of our ailment.  At least we know what is wrong with us.  Most of the world is walking around far more crazy than the people I have met in-patient, and they don't even have a clue that they are.(End soap box)

So now what should I do. hmmm I could keep writing maybe find some educational stuff out there.  This blog is an interesting practice.  I write and write and write and do not if anyone other than my family is reading it.  I guess I don't even know if they are reading it, but I still write.  It is kind of SETI (you know the search for aliens) we send signals out and maybe some day some one will answer.

My computer just told me it is 1:00. Yep, and not a bit sleepy.  This is not great because I have a big project due tomorrow and a lot rides on it.  You have to make some choices of whether to embrace the hypomania to accomplish what you need to then find a good landing pad(I will be blogging about landing pads in the coming days).

My son is coughing his head off in his room.  I have done all I can do as a parent, but it breaks my heart to know I can't fix it.

How many things do we waist time trying to fix that we simply cannot.  Now I am not saying I have waisted time on my son, not at all, I am talking about other stuff. {pause need to go check on him} Okay so maybe sometimes you can fix some things.  He is now laying on his side and the cough is subsiding.  Where was I.....fixing things.  Lets see.....what things do we try and fix that we simply cannot.  There are so many................................

Well that got a little too close.  We can discuss that one on another day.

I think we all have a little dark corner of our heart that we store things away to deal with another day.  I am not sure how healthy that is, but it seams to just be reality.

I have a dear friend, we will call him J.  J and I meet on a weekly basis if not more, and he is one of the guiding beacons in my Christian walk.  I am a born again Christian.  I will not use this platform to preach, but on occasion I will share how faith, love and peace can often only come from one place.  J and I had dinner the other day and he was apologizing about being a certain way.  It was apparent to me that he had been told by many that this behavior was not good.  I explained that this is wisdom. J is a very humble man, he quickly dismissed that.  It made me think.

We are told so often in our lives how we are not doing things right, or the things that make us ...well us are not good because they are different.  Here comes my big encouragement.  Get ready.  We are all who we are supposed to be and we are all exactly where we should be in life.  Period.

Sure we should always strive for excellence, but we need to learn to be okay with okay.  Some of us think big and dream, while others look at little details.  Some of us are great speakers, and others work with their hands.  This world needs people of every kind, of every intelligence.  I cannot imagine myself working at McDonald's.  No offense, it is just not where I am.  Can you imagine if all of the McD's employees quit and got other jobs.  The impact would be enormous.

What does this mean to the mentally ill.  Embrace who you are, love who you are.  Symptoms are symptoms, they do not make who you are.  Look inside, look beyond the disease.  Know that you are exactly where you should be and exactly who you need to be right now.  Heck, I think we all can benefit from that.

Over the coming months I will be writing to educate, to make you laugh(I hope), and to invite you non patients into the mind of one of us ;-).  I will be very transparent.  You will see it all.  You will see that my symptoms are real and some days they cripple me.  I am not setting out to say I have all the answers.  Shoot I don't even think I know all of the questions.  I simply want to open a door, invite you in, and have some talks that were a little too hard before.

Well, my eyes are feeling a little heavy.  So before I get excited about being sleepy and ruin the whole thing by getting excited and wide awake again, I will simply say goodnight.

I look towards another possible night with no sleep.  Hypo-mania is a strange place to be.  I feel like every cell in my body is vibrating, making the desire to move an unstoppable force.  It feels euphoric.  My mind feels sharp, able to solve any problem.  At the same time I am so tired.  I did not get to sleep last night until 5:00am.  This is so frustrating.

There is so much guesswork in the treatment of this disease.  There is not blood test to see how much medicine you should get.  One day you would feel so down, and slow.  Adjust the meds and a few days later you are flying high.

Some of the people around me today have said that I was talking so fast that I was barely breathing.  At first you do not notice, then all of the sudden you are like "yeah you are right."

I really do see how people give up.  I understand why people cut, why they turn to drugs, why the go off meds.  I am not subscribing to any of these right now, but I understand.  There are times you think "I would give anything to stop the madness."  I am working on a program that might give some people some hope.  I know this thing can be manageable and predictable.  It just takes a lot of work and a plan.

I pray for sleep tonight.  I don't know how to face another one like last night.

I sit in my bed wide awake fighting off the mania that knocks on my door.  A few days ago I was battling depression and being too sedated by my meds.  Today I cannot sleep.  I lay here with thoughts racing and a mind that is jumping from one place to another.  My imagination sees me throwing books, pillows, clothes out of rage from not being able to sleep.  I try to lay still, but the sensation of my body screaming to move is too much.  I must get up.  I pace, I try again, no luck.

I cannot think of anything that brought me to this place.  A normal day, a great dinner with friends.  I truly think it is this guess work that we are doing with my meds.  It makes me crazy.  A little more of this, a little less of that, no, no that does not work how about this.  I do not blame the doctor, he is doing the best he can.  It is this monster that lives inside.

I can totally see how people give up.  The ongoing weight of trying to manage this, or become stable is at times as big as the world.  There are times that I am so thankful for the meds and others, I curse them.

It is almost 1:30.  I am sitting with my cats in bed.  Just as I think I am tired enough, I lay down and it begins all over again.  Sleeping 12 hours is no good, but neither is sleeping 4.  Oh God I just want it to stop.  This is the time I say “why me?” this is the time I wish I did not know that I had this.  I wish I just thought I had a burst of energy.  Work late get up early, push, push, push.

I spend much of my time thinking of moodyminds.  I have so much compassion for people with this.  How could I not I am going crazy myself.  I have to believe that there is something that I could do to help others believe that a good life is possible.

Man do I wish I could sleep.

I am not sure which I like worse.  The crazy sturing of the thoughts racing around bumping into each other running amuck in a place that I wish for calm, or the depression that paralyzes, that makes it hard to breathe.

I think of all the people that struggle with drugs and cutting and are simply living to die.  I truly understand why.  I am not saying I am there, but I understand.  I think this may be my first blog entry.

I strive for perfection in a life that is broken beyond repair.  I must turn this into something good.  I must use this to help someone.

I hate the stigma of mental illness. I hate it.  I hate few things. Fish, veal, metal music.  I hate this.  I think of all the people already that I have opened their eyes to what this is like, and how much of a pain it is to live with this.  I know I can do something with this.  God, please help this to happen.

I just wish my mind would slow down.  The water of the cat fountain, the noise of squirt chewing her claws, max snoring, there is this low hum, I cannot find where it is coming from.  All of this while I am typing at break neck speeds.  Thinking, writing, dreaming.  I am so tired.  I wonder if I could sleep now.

The minutes pass and it comes close to 2am.  Time seems to rob me of life.  I spend too much time down, I spend too much time sleeping, I spend too much time trying to convince myself that I am ok.  That all this failure in my life is not entirely failure.  Where is that hum coming from.  I can’t find it.

 I am so lonely at times.  I think about the coming weeks and the cats moving  to their new home.  How quiet it will be.  It makes me very sad.

I need a plan.  A project plan.  How can I do this without a plan.  It is going to be big.  I think we can reach thousands and help them.  What a perfect spoke person I will be.  “Hi, I can help because I am crazy too.”

It has been so long since I have been truly successful at anything.  Sure I have had little things like dinner going well, but nothing that lasts any amount of time. 

I cooked the best dinner of my life tonight.  I had a great friend tell me that it was the best fillet he had ever had.  It was great fun.  I love Don.  He has been so good to me.  He is truly one of the good ones.  I cannot even imagine when he is gone.  Enough of that.

I want to try to sleep again.  I get so mad when the attempt fails.  Maybe this time.  I am getting a little foggy.

I am not sure what someone would think if they read this.  I think maybe only another moodymind would get the random flow.  Maybe a healthy person would understand what it is like inside my head.

There is one thing I have said since my first stint in the hospital.  It has not wavered, or lessened at all.

I don’t want this.  I think of Christ standing on the eve of his death asking God to take this cup from him.  I by no means am trying to compare myself to Christ.  But, I understand the desire.

I am at 951 words.  I will write 1000.  Then I will try to sleep.  Where is that hum coming from.  This sucks so bad.  I have to do something to help others with this.  If I am viewed as a success, I cannot imagine what the failures must feel. 1000.