To say that today was not easy would be a gross understatement. It started a week and a half ago. I was feeling really good. Very healthy in fact. I missed my antidepressant a couple of days and thought I felt great. So in one of my greatest moments I decided to stop taking them.
Now we fast forward. The last two days had been more than lack luster in the work department. I have been able to complete very little. I had a discussion with a co-worker. I explained how frustrating knowing that this chemical imbalance was causing my body and mind to not work was.
Today I had a friend tell me they could not be in my life any longer. That they could not deal with the ups and downs. It was too much. This was not easy to deal with, but manageable.
Here comes the big trigger.
I dropped my children off at their mothers house. She is soon to be my ex-wife. November 19th, 2008 is the last day of our marriage. She is in her new house, with all her new stuff, and her new life. After carrying the kids to bed it all hit me like a sledge hammer. I had been erased. She had everything we ever wanted, just without me. When she left, she made it very clear that she thought I was too broken, and would never be fixed.
Her house is remodeled, painted, new carpet, flat panel tv, the works. I live in our old broken dream house. One that I don't own and will be kicked out of at some point. I walk around with a ghost of broken dreams in an unfinished, lonely house.
My heart broke a thousand times today. When I left to go home, I crashed in a way I never have. I have never felt so worthless, so useless, so unwanted.
I have had thoughts of dying many times. This is the first time I did not want to live any longer. I could not imagine a life feeling like this.
This disease is forever. My wife left after the diagnosis. Now this friend. This is not about a woman in my life. It is about feeling so broken that no one will want to stick it out. I have some friends right now that want to reach out, but they have not felt the tiring constant pounding this disease can bring for that long.
It is 2:40 am, and I sit in this big house alone, writing, crying, trying to keep living. I feel like I will make through the night. I am afraid to go to sleep. I cant go to the hospital. I cant afford it. I cant take the time off work. I cant be that weak person again.
The point of this rant; know your triggers. Avoid them if you can. If you can't make sure you have a plan in place to deal with the aftermath. I did neither, and it is not good.
I am so tired of crying out to my friends. It seems like I am always in need. Unable to manage for myself. This is not why people have friends. It is supposed to be two way. I feel like I simply suck the life out of anyone around me. They finally reach a point of exhaustion, and they go. Some sooner than later, but my experience is that they go.
Now I imagine that I will have a flurry of phone calls after this one.
Just please know this. Don't expect me to be rational, it is not in there. Don't try to understand what I am feeling, you can't. Reason does not work. We are fighting a chemical war, that some times only time will work.
My behaviors are symptoms to a never ending disease. My deep anguish is that they will never go away. This is it folks. Not sure it will get any better than this.
