It has been some time since my last post. I have had many people ask me recently what the heck is up. So I thought I would come back and let all of you know what is going on.

There was so many times in my life that I thought things could not get any worse. I am actually at a point that I can't imagine things being any better. What a change in mind and heart. I have found the illusive right combination of medications and life practices to achieve balance. What a great place that is. Balance. It is the perfect blend of work, personal time and family time.

I am working for a great company and love everyday that I get to come to work.

I am sleeping well, getting some exercise (it could be more) and not self medicating.

I am sure that there will be challenges that come, but if there is anything to take from this it is that you should never give up.

There were many times that I thought about giving up and I am glad I never did. There is too much to live for. To much to give back.

Those of you fellow moody minds out there stick with it. Keep talking to your doctors. Keep talking to your friends and family.

I do not claim to know everything. Far from it. Very far from it. I do know this for sure, life is filled with ups and downs. Enjoy both. You will learn more about yourself in the downs than you ever thought possible and they will only help you appreciate the ups that much more.

I am working on a new series so I promise it will not be long before you hear from me again.

Its been a while since I have written a blog entry. I think I was so tied up in life that it just slipped away.

Life is funny that way. Just when we think we have it figured out, something new comes along. Sometimes I hit these life patches and I shake with frustration, fear or anger. I don't want them right then. Isn't that the truth, they never come when I want them. But should they? What would life be like if we made the decisions about what came next. I know my knee jerk response is that it would be perfect, but then I think, and maybe it wouldn't.

I start to think about what makes us who we are. What builds our character? What builds perseverance? I think back in my life and those things have never come out of a good stretch. See my growth has always come out of a situation that I did not want. If everything was easy, I wouldn't be half the man I am today.

So bring it on. Let life come with every challenge it can muster up. 

I was looking at all of my old journals and realized how my life was segmented into volumes, a collection of novels that tell the story of who I am. Sometimes we are fortunate enough to really recognize when one book ends and another book begins. Sometimes they blend together in good and bad ways. Sometimes we are just too busy to see them.

I have spent the last two and a half years doing a lot of self-excavation. Digging, demolishing, rebuilding. It has been grueling to say the least. There have been a half a dozen things that have loomed over me for much of this time. These things were and are heavy to carry. There have been many times that I felt like giving up, angry at the world for dealing me this hand. I would have been such a fool for giving up then.

The funny thing is that in our novels of life we never know how the current will end and the next will begin.

I am now in a place where many of the things I have been fighting are finally coming to an end. How much wiser I am. I would have missed all of this knowledge and experience. I see peace in the distance, a cool fresh breeze on a warm summer day.

I am seeing one book end and another begin, a brighter book. This book will not be without trouble, but maybe I can learn one thing from all of this. I will get through this. The story always continues. We just have to accept the story we have, learn from it, grow through it, and know that we can make it through it.

I am at a place that I would not trade anything for what I had to go through. It is what brought me here, moodyminds. I have already changed lives and that is worth every bit of the last two years.
Don’t give up. Keep hope.

In one of my last postings I spoke of how I had changed the amount of medicine I was taking. It has been brought to my attention how this may have come across as though I condone this action.

Let me be perfectly clear. You should NEVER change your meds on your own. I did this knowing that I was seeing my doc in less than a week and had communicated to my support team what was going on. I should have waited and just spoken to my doc about this.

I offer an apology to anyone who may have misunderstood my intention of that posting. I will not pretend to be perfect. I will assure you that all information in our library and in the tools is a product of research and profession input.

Matt

For a limited time we are offering FREE memberships for life!

Sign up for yourself or to support someone your know. If you have patients, tell them now is the time to sign up.

This offer is only good for the next 500 members. If you are an organization you can create memberships for the people you serve.

Our goal is to grow the user population and push moodyminds to it’s tipping point. Help us and be a part of what is to come.

I am sitting in the face of a decision. Sleep is running from me. This is never good. Part of me wants to run. Just get in the car and go. Where? I have no idea.

My eyes are tired, but my body is not playing along.

When I built moodyminds I was not sure how open to be on the blog. This is the real me though. You need to see what this thing looks like on the inside.

I have done something I said I never would. I have turned against my meds. I am taking half of one that was prescribed. I missed it one day and woke up fresh and alive and non-fuzzy. It made me realize how sedated I was. Here lies the problem. I want to be alert and awake in the morning, but at this cost?

It is almost 3am and I am sitting here writing, struggling through the mixed state of depression and hypo-mania. It is like a tug of war in your brain. I know things I can do to fight this, but my biology fights with my thinking ability.

The mania does not want to sleep; it wants to do more and more. I lie in bed and struggle to keep something from moving. I am not full manic right now, but am I dancing on a line? Am I flirting with the excitement and power that comes from mania?

Feeling the hyper sexuality, impulsiveness, and the buzz in my brain can be intoxicating.

I explain to everyone that I coach; you will get sick again and again. This thing will not go away. The job is to manage it better than before. It’s almost 8 months since my last event. Can I stop this one? Is it really my choice?

My eyes cry for sleep, but my body and mind fight them at every turn. I don’t know whether to work, iron, watch tv, read, walk around or just lie in a bed staring at the ceiling tossing and turning.

A yawn!!! Maybe some reprieve. I will go try again. Wish me luck.

I remember March 11, 2008 like it was yesterday. That was the first day I was in the hospital. I was scared, lost, filled with panic; I was crashing straight for the ground at 100mph. The first thing I had to do was learn. I needed to know what I was facing. The reality of it was I was facing something that would never go away and was not going to prove an easy combatant.

What was your experience? What did you have to overcome? What was the hardest thing you faced?

I will be the first to admit that living with someone who has a mood disorder; bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia is not easy. Wow! That was an understatement. So when is enough, enough? When should the patient have to face consequences of what they are doing? Should a family kick them out? Let's get a discussion going. Let me know what you think. 

Today was one of those days, rapid cycling between hypo-mania and depression. I hate these days. Excitement followed by sorrow. Joy followed by pain. Running through the woods fearing what is chasing you, yet constantly running into what is in front.

I was warned today that it is a lie of the disease to believe that working 16 hours is okay. That I am running on manic energy. That never seems to end well. Then depression hits fearing that I am perpetuating the cycle again.

I long to live a balanced day. Just one. Where the pendulum neither swings one way or the other, it just sits still. I wonder if I could even recognize it. Could I realize that it was a balanced day? Or would I just be thinking this center position is just a point on an arch.

I am weary of chasing sleep. How I wish it could be my friend. Nearly 2:00am and I just feel numb. I know should sleep. What is it that I fear of going to sleep? Why do I avoid it? Is it because tomorrow could be like today? Perhaps.

My blog is a real look into my mind. I want people to really see what goes on. I want them to feel the challenges and trials.

I can’t explain how it feels. It is like my body just keeps going. My head feels slushy, but I just keep going. I finally took a magic pill. Maybe that will work.

I will call my doctor tomorrow. The depression is too heavy. It should not be like this.

Today I experienced something I never have before. I am a huge movie buff and have seen hundreds if not over a thousand movies. Tonight I went to see the new Karate Kid movie. It was amazing. The entire audience erupted in applause and cheers throughout the movie. It was amazing.

Now, what can we learn. There was one line in the movie that I won't forget. "Being still is very different than doing nothing."

Living with a mind that finds it difficult to be still, I found this so appropriate. Stillness is something that takes work and energy. Doing nothing is easy. Stillness brings peace, doing nothing causes unrest. Being still allows re-centering, do nothing makes a mind go into chaos.

So to all of you moody minds out there, work on being still. Learn how to shut the craziness out in the world off and turn inward.

One of the ways I do this is to focus on breathing. My mind tends to go crazy at night when I am trying to fall asleep. So I focus on the air coming in my nose and out my mouth. I imagine the air as though it was visible. I shut out any thoughts that interrupt my focus. After about five minutes of this and I am usually out cold. This principle is often described as mindfulness. You can use many different things. Some use music, aroma, yoga, art, photography or anything else that lets you be still.

Go see the movie, try some breathing, and be still my friends.